Awhile ago, I decided to come up with an event for co-workers to go to Shady Maple Buffet out in Lancaster, PA. Let me start out by saying, Joe Paterno is to College Football Coaches as Shady Maple is to Buffets. It's the cream of the crop. Top of the line. Heck, the website boasts 200 feet of buffet. TWO HUNDRED FEET. It would take Usain Bolt like, 5 and a half seconds to sprint that length. And he's FAST.
Let me tell you, the PA Dutch know how to buffet. It is a line buffet, with a large center island in the middle with cold foods (fruits, pastries, etc.) and three islands of warm foods on each end. (To my dismay, the warm foods are the same on both sides of the middle cold food island. So in actuality, there is only 100 feet of original buffet, but beggars can't be choosers) The strategy of the buffet is simple, work outwards in, filling up first with the meats, then the starches, and end up in the middle island of colder but sweeter foods for dessert. I scout the buffet, realizing that Shady Maple intermixes meats and starches in the same island, clearly wanting people to mix and match (and fill up sooner on starches, I may add!) Unfortunately for me, I had been waiting for a few late-comers, and let a hungry stomach dictate my first plate, rather than my normal buffet sense. Added to this was the long lines, so I went for the shortest of the lines rather than playing out my pre-buffet strategy. With the Unattended Children Buffepticons rife throughout the buffet, I had to be extra careful dodging the mindless wandering of toddlers shakily carrying there plates. The first offense is a sticky bottom shoe, compliments of a syrup spill from a child in front of me. But to the first plate:
Plate #1 "Meat and Greet" Analysis: (I apologize, the picture is a little blurry) Clearly, as those of you who have read my post on Plate Organizational Strategies, this is that of a "Pile-on". Little to no structure, mostly slopped on by my crazed hunger state. Mostly meats here to start, couldn't pass up the corned beef hash, although it contained potatos in it. In the upper left quadrant of the plate is scrapple. For those of you not from around her scrapple is pretty much the stuff that doesn't make the cut to go in a hot dog, goes into scrapple. Good stuff. The lower right quadrant contains one of my favorites, creamed dried beef with a few home fries underneath. (I debated using bacon as the foundation for the cream dried beef, but instead used four pieces as garnish. There are also three cheese stuffed sausages in the northern most part of the plate. Overall, a very large plate of food. All was washed down with a plate of apple juice.
Meats x4
Starches x2
Dairy x1
Bacon Count: 3
My journey to my second plate of food was just as arduous, as apparently everyone else doesn't like to wake up early and waits for the last hour to come. Cutters were abound at the buffet, sneaking in just to get one item instead of waiting in the line. One guy tried to cut in front of an Old Dutch lady and get some sausages, but she smacked his hand repeatedly saying "Ya gotta wait in the line like the rest of us" with a scowl that would make Voldemort's blood turn cold. Note to self: don't mess with Dutchy ladies at Shady Maple. I was thankful she was able to dispatch the Buffepticon nonetheless. So, to the second plate of food:
Fruit x2
Meats x3
Starches x2
Bacon Count: 4
Plate #2 "The French Toast Stick Allegiance" Analysis: As you can probably tell, I do not have a specific buffet plate style, as this one is clearly that of a Segregator, using the French toast Sticks as a barrier between the fruit (and the juices that come with it) and the meats (Yes, that is a large chicken nugget in the lower right quadrant) Even as Buffetimus Prime, I am trying to find my ideal Plate organizational style. I prefer my French Toast sticks to be virgin (no syrup) but used Barbeque sauce with the chicken nugget. (Any place where you can get a chicken nugget for breakfast is a win for me and any of those in the "El Classico" buffet style) Unfortunately, this would be my last large plate of the day. Feeling rather full, but having mentally have promised my tummy a jelly donut by meal's end, I did have one half of a jelly donut, pictured here:
Fruit x1
Starch x1
So in all, based on my highly accurate servnings counter, I ended up with 7 servings of meat, 5 of starches, 3 of fruit, 7 strips of bacon (slightly below average) and, well, 0 vegetables. People, it's a buffet, not Weightwatchers. Areas of Improvement: The only way to improve is to do a post evaluation of your buffet exeperience, and even I, as Buffetimus Prime, realized I goofed a few times. First of all, I may have only actually hit about 25 feet of the buffet. The crowds prevented me from doing a truly thorough walkthrough, thus my strategy wasn't quite developed enough. In addition, 5 servings of starches is way too much if you are looking to reach MSC (maximum stomach capacity) I let my eyes get ahead of my brain, mixing in too many servings of starch in my first plate, making me feel full faster. Also, I was in good company, so I was talking, a lot. While conversation is key to social excellence, it is importance that the conversation is spread around so you can chow while others speak. Finally, I had a large Chinese meal the night before. As Buffetimus Prime, I will never turn down a Chinese dinner, but instead of saving up for the large breakfast, I feel as though I didn't fast enough before hand.
All in all, I feel as though this field experience was a success. My research on Buffepticons was supported by real-life instances of cutters and unattended children mainly, although I did come across a Critic buffepticon who was inspecting each enlarged chicken nugget, as if she were looking for the one christened by Colonel Sanders himself. Buffeteers, we must constantly be aware of our buffets so we can adapt and perfect the art of Buffet. But good news folks, I found out that you get a free meal at Shady Maple on your birthday, and since mine is coming up next week, you will be getting another field observation, but this time for lunch.
Also, come back later in the week, as I'll have a post to helpt you calculate your Maximum Stomach Capacity.
You stay Classy, Buffeteers!