First of all, Happy Father's days to all those dads out there. If you choose to go out to buffet on this fine day, I commend you on your choice of cuisine. However, non-frequenters of buffets are more likely to show up on special days, such as Father's Day or holidays. Meaning there's a much greater chance of spotting a Buffepticon. And that's right, there's enough buffet offenders out there to take up two blog posts. So read on, my buffeteer, and be informed.
The Reach Acrosser - Now, many buffets are set up as 'islands', with food on both side of the buffet. Normal buffet protocol has you starting where the plates are located, and then moving around the island in a clockwise manner. But no, not for the Reach Acrosser. So I'm a Reach Acrosser, and I see some garlic mashed potatos across the way...forget waiting the 13 seconds until I get to the other side, I'm just going to reach out to the other side of the buffet, now cloggin up buffet traffic both ways. Not only is there north to south offenders, but also east to west offenders, especially at salad bars, which are often three tiered. While you are piling on some broccoli from the front tier, the reach acrosser can't wait the 8 seconds, and reaches across you to get beets on the third tier. Why the hell are you putting beets on your salad? Oh yeah, that's right, because you're a BUFFEPTICON! Basketball players and people with long arms are frequent Reach Acrossers.
The Unattended Child - Most people don't even know this Buffepticon exists, and the small child itself normally does not perceive itself as a Buffepticon. They think, "I'm a little kid and that gives me complete freedom to be a buffet douche". Common offenses of the unattended child? Brace yourself, my buffeteer. There's the spoon licker, the child who likes to taste the mac and cheese that is stuck to the spoon after they put it on the plate. There's the spiller, the child clearly too young to hold their buffet plate, which eventually leads to a broken plate on the floor, precious buffet food wasted. Even worse, the 'sneeze guard' that buffets have over the food is usually made for people four feet and above. The unattended child's sneezes sneak right under that guard and into the food. Note to parents: Do NOT let your child become a Buffepticon...they will be shunned by the buffet community.
The Piecer (Special thanks to J. Oshman) - The Piecer is most often found at pizza buffets. They decide to take the pizza slicer and make a ridiculously inconvenient cut into a slice of pizza, leaving an odd fraction, like 3/4 slice of pizza. Seriously? Who wants a quarter of a slice of pizza? I'll tell you, no buffeteer that I know. Even worse than the offense of cutting, is this Buffepticon usually has to handle the pizza with their fingers in order to make this douchey cut. Who knows where those fingers have been, Buffeteer, who knows...
The Critic - The final Buffepticon is the Critic, a normal person who magically 'transforms' into a food critic during their time in the buffet line. These people inspect every piece of food like a person inspecting their dog for ticks after leaving them in the woods for a night. Every piece of corn is turned around 360 degrees, to make sure no kernels are missing. Each piece of fried chicken is rotated around, looking for the one with the most crisp. Every dinner roll is pushed down on, so perhaps the Critic can get the fluffiest one. Who knows the motive of the critic...perhaps they do not understand that it is ALL YOU CAN EAT...and can go back for seconds. Either way, the critic is a line clogger and one seriously annoying Buffepticon.