The Four Buffet Roles of a "B-Team"

So you and three friends have decided that today, today is a Buffet Day. A valiant decision indeed. However, have you considered who will take what buffet role each of you will take. Many of you may have played war video games that have different positions. (Engineer, medic, soldier, sniper) None more important than the other, of course. The same goes for buffet teams. (B-teams) Not all four of you can scout the buffet to highlight points of interest. Not all four should be the lookout for fresh trays of food coming out of the kitchen. No one would have time to do what is really important in the buffet, eat. LOTS. So here is a handy guide with the four major buffet roles, so you too may designate each member of your buffet team an equally important role.

The Scout - The scout's role exists only before the eating commences, but is arguable the most important position of the B-Team. The scout is to go out to the buffet, perform a walkthrough of the buffet, and report findings back to the rest of the B-Team. The Scout should be not only the most observant of the group, but also the one with the best memory. The Scout tells the other members where key points of interest are...such as crab legs, prime rib, or other 'big ticket' items. In addition, he or she shall be able to distinctly describe the layout of the buffet. Is it a line buffet, the traditional "U shape", a series of islands? The Scout may want to come armed with a sheet of paper and pencil, to draw an overhead map and then put stars on the big ticket items listed above. From here, your B-Team can conduct a strategy to minimize the amount of walking needed to get to path of their buffet success.

The Timekeeper - Again, a very simple job, but very important as well. The Timekeeper's most important job is to set their watch or stopwatch to beep at five minute increments. This is to keep the B-Team informed on the amount of time before they will reach MSC, or maximum stomach capacity. Around twenty minutes is when the stomach starts telling the brain it's full, so the Timekeeper's job is to keep his B-team on track. The goal is for the first plate to be done around the 7 minute mark, the second plate by the 15 minute mark, and the third (usually smaller plate) done around 20 minutes. That way, dessert can be snuck in without too much complaint from one's tummy. The Timekeeper should also run the conversation. Say that the medic is talking too much, the Timekeeper should alert them so they can make up for lost buffet eating time. Your timekeeper should be attentive, observant, and able to host a conversation.

The Lookout - The lookout has a few very important tasks. The Lookout should take the lead when the hostess goes to sit your B-team. He or she should take command, making sure you are seated within full view of the buffet. This may depend on how crowded the buffet is, but if possible, the lookout's field of vision should optimally be at 75% of the buffet. This is because the lookout is always looking for fresh trays of food coming out of the kitchen. As the kitchen is constantly putting out new food, the lookout may want to have carry a piece of paper to track what foods are at the peak of their HAF (Hot and Fresh) factor. As buffeteers, we know that a fresh, piping hot tray of mac and cheese beats the crusty, half burnt mac at the bottom of the tray, so the Lookout makes sure you get the right foods at the right time.

The Medic - A position often overlooked by normal buffet goers, but it is important to always have a medic within your group. Only a B.D. (Doctor of Buffet) is necessary, and by reading this blog you will qualify for one. There are many common injuries involved in buffet going, such as burns, brain freezes, cuts from opening crab legs, loss of circulation to the lower part of your body due to excessive eating, and many others. The Medic, should have a small first aid kit with bandaids accessible, but most injuries can be cured within the buffet. Burns in the mouth or fingers can be soothed with ice cream or sucking on ice. The medic should remind the B-team to consistently move their legs under the table (a simple tapping of the foot is sufficient) to keep circulation moving.

So, what buffet role do you specialize in? Or are their other buffet roles you can think of?

Stay tuned, as next Saturday I will be doing my first field experience since the creation of this buffet, at Shady Maple Shmorgasborg.

Identifying your Plate Organizational Style

When you put food on your plate at the buffet, you may think you have no rhyme or reason to your food organization. Quite the contrare, my buffeteer. However, every time we cover our plate, we as humans are subliminally making a statement about our inner buffet. Below are four of the most common buffet plate organizational styles, and what the say about the buffeteer.

The Classic - This is the most common buffet plate organizational type. This buffeteer is not picky about foods touching one another, and will only have one layer of food on each plate. If the gravy slides into the fried chicken, the Classic takes it as a new flavor opportunity. If the gravy stays put in a well constructed mashed potato dam, well the Classic will be just as happy. This plate style is most commonly associated with the "El Classico" inner buffet. This, by most standards, is the most traditional buffeteer, and most novice buffeteers adapt this style, as it is 'safe'.

The Architect - The buffet plate is your canvas, and the food of the buffet is you paint. The architect does its best to create a fine dining experience for themselves with the materials given to them by the buffet. Instead of 'pouring' salad dressing over their salad, they 'drizzle' that vinaigrette in a swirlie motion. Mashed potatoes are not just meant to be 'plopped' next to the pork chop, but rather spread around it like as a halo on a delicious meaty angel. The architect has either an artistic flare deep down inside of them, or has Tivo-ed the last eight seasons of Top Chef. Either way, the architect would not eat anything before it is aesthetically up to par.

The Pile-on - As the name would suggest, the Pile-on does exactly what you would expect...fit as much buffet food as they possibly can on one plate. "Who cares if it's all you can eat? I'm wasting valuable eating time by taking more than one trip to the buffet!" This is the thought process of the Pile-on. The Pile-on has no mind as to what foods mix together. Sesame chicken with broccoli and beef?? Try Sesame Beef w. Broccoli. If the plate styles were to have a competition over which could create the most impenetrable food fortress, the Pile-on would win no contest. The Pile-ons are aggressive, but also time-assertive and are not picky about which foods go down, and when. After all, it's all going to the same place.

The Segregator - Also known as the "Segmenter", a Segregators worst fear is that one item of food would invade the plate of another item of food. (Later in the blog, there will be tips on how to 'dam' foods from ruining other foods, but that is another buffet and time) Segregators usually view a plate as having four quadrants, with a piece of food in each quadrant. If the pea juice quadrant invades the fry quadrant, that plate is as good as ruined. The Segregator takes smaller portions to insure no cross contamination of buffet foods. The segregators and pile-ons have been enemies since the beginning of buffet times.

You  stay classy, buffeteers!

Buffepticons, Part Two

 

First of all, Happy Father's days to all those dads out there. If you choose to go out to buffet on this fine day, I commend you on your choice of cuisine. However, non-frequenters of buffets are more likely to show up on special days, such as Father's Day or holidays. Meaning there's a much greater chance of spotting a Buffepticon. And that's right, there's enough buffet offenders out there to take up two blog posts. So read on, my buffeteer, and be informed.

The Reach Acrosser - Now, many buffets are set up as 'islands', with food on both side of the buffet. Normal buffet protocol has you starting where the plates are located, and then moving around the island in a clockwise manner. But no, not for the Reach Acrosser. So I'm a Reach Acrosser, and I see some garlic mashed potatos across the way...forget waiting the 13 seconds until I get to the other side, I'm just going to reach out to the other side of the buffet, now cloggin up buffet traffic both ways. Not only is there north to south offenders, but also east to west offenders, especially at salad bars, which are often three tiered. While you are piling on some broccoli from the front tier, the reach acrosser can't wait the 8 seconds, and reaches across you to get beets on the third tier. Why the hell are you putting beets on your salad? Oh yeah, that's right, because you're a BUFFEPTICON! Basketball players and people with long arms are frequent Reach Acrossers.

The Unattended Child - Most people don't even know this Buffepticon exists, and the small child itself normally does not perceive itself as a Buffepticon. They think, "I'm a little kid and that gives me complete freedom to be a buffet douche". Common offenses of the unattended child? Brace yourself, my buffeteer. There's the spoon licker, the child who likes to taste the mac and cheese that is stuck to the spoon after they put it on the plate. There's the spiller, the child clearly too young to hold their buffet plate, which eventually leads to a broken plate on the floor, precious buffet food wasted. Even worse, the 'sneeze guard' that buffets have over the food is usually made for people four feet and above. The unattended child's sneezes sneak right under that guard and into the food. Note to parents: Do NOT let your child become a Buffepticon...they will be shunned by the buffet community.

The Piecer (Special thanks to J. Oshman) - The Piecer is most often found at pizza buffets. They decide to take the pizza slicer and make a ridiculously inconvenient cut into a slice of pizza, leaving an odd fraction, like 3/4 slice of pizza. Seriously? Who wants a quarter of a slice of pizza? I'll tell you, no buffeteer that I know. Even worse than the offense of cutting, is this Buffepticon usually has to handle the pizza with their fingers in order to make this douchey cut. Who knows where those fingers have been, Buffeteer, who knows...

The Critic - The final Buffepticon is the Critic, a normal person who magically 'transforms' into a food critic during their time in the buffet line. These people inspect every piece of food like a person inspecting their dog for ticks after leaving them in the woods for a night. Every piece of corn is turned around 360 degrees, to make sure no kernels are missing. Each piece of fried chicken is rotated around, looking for the one with the most crisp. Every dinner roll is pushed down on, so perhaps the Critic can get the fluffiest one. Who knows the motive of the critic...perhaps they do not understand that it is ALL YOU CAN EAT...and can go back for seconds. Either way, the critic is a line clogger and one seriously annoying Buffepticon.

So there you have it Buffeteers. Have you in your buffet experiences come across with any other Buffepticons? Please share!

Buffepticons, Part One

Buffepticons (n) - Buffet goers who fail to follow Buffet Etiquette (from this point on, known as buffetiquette) and are offenders of the buffet experience through their actions

The Buffepticons. I put this topic so early in my blog because you are bound to come across a Buffepticon during almost any buffet experience. There are proper ways to deal with this abominable buffet species, but for now, I am going to do a two part blog of the different Buffepticons you may encounter.

The Cutter

One of, if not the most common Buffepticon. The cutter is someone who breaks the natural left to right flow of the buffet line so they can 'cut in' and get the one food that they want the most. The Cutters don't realize that the tray of nuggets or fries or green beans is not going to disappear before they reach it, and even if it does then Congratulations! A steaming hot plate is on its way. Some Cutters try to be subtle, sneaking their arm into the line of your buffet path. Others pretend to be your friend for ten seconds while they cut and snag  the coleslaw. My fellow Buffeteers, they are not your friend.

The Finisher

You watch nervously as the alfredo pizza pie at the end of the line is being picked, piece by piece. Across the way the cook just puts a new pie in the oven, it'll be at least fifteen minutes before a fresh one comes out. All of a sudden, Alfredo pizza seems to have become the pizza of the hour, and everyone is getting a slice. You breathe a sigh of relief, there are three pieces of Alfredo pizza left, with only one person in front of you. Unfortunately for you, that person is a Buffepticon, a Finisher. The Finisher takes no mind of the person behind them. Quarter tray of mashed potatos? Gone.  Four pieces of fried chicken? See ya. The Finisher seems to take a tray with less than half the food as a challenge, only to have it go to waste when they are full. Some argue that the Finisher is not a Buffepticon, he or she is just taking part in an "all you can eat" experience. You may agree with those people, until you end up with a Finisher in front of you.

The Hoarder

The Hoarder is a two part enemy in the world of Buffet. The Hoarder hangs around the most popular items when they run out, and then takes enough of that item for themselves...and fourteen of their friends. Say, crab legs for example have just run out. First of all, the Hoarder stands right by the tray of crab legs, interrupting the flow of buffet traffic. Secondly, when the crab legs do finally come, they are as good as gone, as the Hoarder will take no prisoner. This is what separates the Hoarder from the Maximizer. The Maximizer gets their money's worth, but takes into consideration there are other people in the restaurant. The same cannot be said of hoarders.

Stay tuned for Buffepticons, part two!

Your Inner Buffet: Identifying your Buffet Style

Whether we realize it or not, every single one of us has a buffet strategy, unique to each individual. However, all buffet styles can be categorized into roughly five categories. Read the five buffet personality types below, and try to determine which one you best fit into. (or perhaps you are a hybrid!)

El Classico-Some may find the El Classico 'boring', but if you ask them, they are reliable.They like to play it safe when you go a buffet, regardless of the kind of food offered. If they like chicken nuggets best, hell with the chicken marsala, they are getting a plate full of chicken nuggets. And then another plate. And then some mac n' cheese. Forget that new gorgonzola dish.The 'El Classico" live and die by the life slogan, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." We call these, the "casual buffeteers".

The Maximizer-You just spent about $12.00 of your hard earned money on a good ol' American Buffet. And you damn well are going to get your $12.00 worth. Forget the low ticket items such as green beans or spaghetti, you're going straight for the prime rib or King Crab...and you're getting a lot of it. The Maximizer maximizes their dollar spent, and their stomach is not full until they've eaten the minimum amount they paid for.

The Sampler-Believe me, this buffet style is of those who aren't the least bit picky, they just want to try everything the buffet has to offer. This buffeteer will portion a little bit of everything at the buffet, rather than loading up on a particular item. At least, to start. Sometimes though, the sampler will come across something they very much like, and then become an Aggressor to that particular item. They like to test all regions of their palate, but don't usually have room to go around for a second lap. The only stipulations to the Nitpicker is food allergies.

The Aggressor-The aggressor understands that after twenty minutes, your tummy starts to feel full. And the hell with it if the aggressor going to feel full before he or she tries the homemade meatloaf! The Aggressor still savors, but savors many different items at once...as many will fit in his or her mouth. You can usually identify an aggressor at a buffet, as on their first plate they will stick out their elbows like the start of a race to get best positioning for the least amount of buffet line time. Stick two aggressors in the same buffet path, and you are looking for trouble.

The Three Courser-The Three Courser does exactly as the name suggests. They usually don't go over three plates of food. One normally with a salad or appetizer type plate, one with a healthy portion of some substantial dinner food, and then one plate of dessert or dish of ice cream. This is usually the health conscious buffeter (they do exist!) and try their best to get all the food groups while enjoying a good mix of food.

So, what is your buffet style!