Buffet First Date Do's and Don'ts: 7 Tips to a Smooth Buffet Date

My loyal Buffeteers,

I have been busy, far too busy as of late to pick up the forks and dig into my local buffets. The summer is over, school and work have begun, and the joy of buffet has taken a backseat to the clockwork of life. A sad truth, but a truth that I will no longer stand for. People out there in buffets are scared and confused. They are not being updated on the latest and greatest of strategic buffeting. Fear not though, I am back. And just in time to save you on your first buffet date.

What better place to take a girl on a first date than a buffet? It involves social interaction and you can learn about her plate organizational styles and buffet type which will tell you more about her than any zodiac reading. So read on Buffeteer, and eat up these seven tips to a successful Buffet First Date.

Tip #1: Be a Gentleman. Sounds like common sense yes, but you still want to establish a good first impression even before she takes her first bite. Come with flowers. Shower beforehand. Tell her she looks great. Pull out her chair for her before she sits down. Keep it Classy, Buffet Diego.

Tip #2: Go to a place you know. Nothing kills a buffet date like a guy who doesn't know the buffet. If you go to a foreign buffet, you are subjecting yourself to the embarrassment of not knowing where the big ticket items, such as crab legs or prime rib, are located.

Tip #3: Get an in with the Hostess. This is not meant at all to be a suggestive interaction with the hostess...that's bad form for a first date. It simply helps if you know the hostess knows you by name--it gives you the heir of a primetime buffeteer. Call beforehand if you don't know the hostess and ask if she can say, "Yes Mr. ________, I'll seat you at our finest table" Most hostesses are willing to do this, and it makes the girl feel special. If she/he is reluctant, tell him/her you will laud them to their manager.

Tip #4: Ask her what she likes. If small talk is all you're getting on the on-set, ask your date what she likes to eat at a buffet. If she says 'a lot', you have a winner. But by her answer you can probably assume her buffet style of El Classico, Aggressor, etc. This way you can recommend a strategic path based on your knowledge of the buffet. Consider yourself her own little mapquest. Plan a recommended route for her. Take charge. Lead the way, buffeteer.

Tip #5: Watch your own plate. Nothing will kill a first date like a plate full of baked beans and sauerkraut. Although you may enjoy these options, think of what musings a girl would have when you have a plate like this. She may have been thinking about that kiss afterwards, but not after seeing you suck down a plate of kraut. Stick to safer items: chicken nuggets, mac n' cheese, green beans for this first date. Save gassy items or items that cause bad breath until after you've sealed the deal.

Tip #6: Wait until she is done with the plate until you go for another plate. Just because you can eat beef with broccoli 6.8 times faster than her doesn't give you an award that allows you to get another plate right away. Use this time when she is still eating to keep the conversation going. Make sure you tell her not to rush. Now is your time to tell her how you fended off a 350 pound man for 2 minutes so your friends could nab the last piece of prime rib. Now is the time to tell her how you once fit eight cherry tomatos in your mouth with ease. Now is to tell her the time you once tried every single item on a buffet line. (include some regular talk too, interests, movies, etc.) But WAIT until she is finished to get your second, third, seventh plate, etc.

Tip #7: Plan a post-buffet activity. The best thing about a buffet, is that afterwards you usually want to go for a walk. Have a park or area that you can go on a walk for. Not only will this help with digestion, but it will also give you more talking time with her. Look at her posture: Are her arms uncrossed? Is she walking close proximity to you? All these will be signs of interest.

So Buffeteer, if you follow these 7 easy tips, you are on your way to successful buffet first date.

Initiate: ROMANCE!!

The Four Buffet Roles of a "B-Team"

So you and three friends have decided that today, today is a Buffet Day. A valiant decision indeed. However, have you considered who will take what buffet role each of you will take. Many of you may have played war video games that have different positions. (Engineer, medic, soldier, sniper) None more important than the other, of course. The same goes for buffet teams. (B-teams) Not all four of you can scout the buffet to highlight points of interest. Not all four should be the lookout for fresh trays of food coming out of the kitchen. No one would have time to do what is really important in the buffet, eat. LOTS. So here is a handy guide with the four major buffet roles, so you too may designate each member of your buffet team an equally important role.

The Scout - The scout's role exists only before the eating commences, but is arguable the most important position of the B-Team. The scout is to go out to the buffet, perform a walkthrough of the buffet, and report findings back to the rest of the B-Team. The Scout should be not only the most observant of the group, but also the one with the best memory. The Scout tells the other members where key points of interest are...such as crab legs, prime rib, or other 'big ticket' items. In addition, he or she shall be able to distinctly describe the layout of the buffet. Is it a line buffet, the traditional "U shape", a series of islands? The Scout may want to come armed with a sheet of paper and pencil, to draw an overhead map and then put stars on the big ticket items listed above. From here, your B-Team can conduct a strategy to minimize the amount of walking needed to get to path of their buffet success.

The Timekeeper - Again, a very simple job, but very important as well. The Timekeeper's most important job is to set their watch or stopwatch to beep at five minute increments. This is to keep the B-Team informed on the amount of time before they will reach MSC, or maximum stomach capacity. Around twenty minutes is when the stomach starts telling the brain it's full, so the Timekeeper's job is to keep his B-team on track. The goal is for the first plate to be done around the 7 minute mark, the second plate by the 15 minute mark, and the third (usually smaller plate) done around 20 minutes. That way, dessert can be snuck in without too much complaint from one's tummy. The Timekeeper should also run the conversation. Say that the medic is talking too much, the Timekeeper should alert them so they can make up for lost buffet eating time. Your timekeeper should be attentive, observant, and able to host a conversation.

The Lookout - The lookout has a few very important tasks. The Lookout should take the lead when the hostess goes to sit your B-team. He or she should take command, making sure you are seated within full view of the buffet. This may depend on how crowded the buffet is, but if possible, the lookout's field of vision should optimally be at 75% of the buffet. This is because the lookout is always looking for fresh trays of food coming out of the kitchen. As the kitchen is constantly putting out new food, the lookout may want to have carry a piece of paper to track what foods are at the peak of their HAF (Hot and Fresh) factor. As buffeteers, we know that a fresh, piping hot tray of mac and cheese beats the crusty, half burnt mac at the bottom of the tray, so the Lookout makes sure you get the right foods at the right time.

The Medic - A position often overlooked by normal buffet goers, but it is important to always have a medic within your group. Only a B.D. (Doctor of Buffet) is necessary, and by reading this blog you will qualify for one. There are many common injuries involved in buffet going, such as burns, brain freezes, cuts from opening crab legs, loss of circulation to the lower part of your body due to excessive eating, and many others. The Medic, should have a small first aid kit with bandaids accessible, but most injuries can be cured within the buffet. Burns in the mouth or fingers can be soothed with ice cream or sucking on ice. The medic should remind the B-team to consistently move their legs under the table (a simple tapping of the foot is sufficient) to keep circulation moving.

So, what buffet role do you specialize in? Or are their other buffet roles you can think of?

Stay tuned, as next Saturday I will be doing my first field experience since the creation of this buffet, at Shady Maple Shmorgasborg.

The Ten Commandments of Buffet

I.Thou shalt not spill.

II. Thou shalt not commit buffet adultery--stealing from another's buffet plate.

III. Thou shalt not have just one plate.

IV. Thou shalt not practice the art of the Buffepticons.

V. Thou shall eat all that thou can.

VI. Thou shalt not bring their Weight Watchers point system sheet to the buffet.

VII. Thou shall honor the Art of Buffet while at establishment.

VIII. Thou shalt not judge a buffet food by its cover, or again judge a buffet food's taste until tried with bacon on top.
IX. Thou shalt not say the word buffet in vain. (Ex. "I'm going to buffet all over your Justin Bieber poster!")
X. Thou shall respect thy neighbor's elbow space.

Welcome Buffeteers!

Buffeteer (n) [buff-it-tear] - An individual who constantly seeks the gastronomical delight of all you can eat foods

If you or someone you know qualifies under the above definition, then this blog is for you. We will take you in the depths of the deepest mashed potato troff, through the frozen peaks of chocolate fudge ice cream, in the between the towers of Flapjack, and hopefully end up at the gates of the satisfied gullet. Buffets are a world oft undiscovered by the casual diner...they are filled with opportunity, peril, and joy. We will give you step by step guide to reaching your full buffet potential, whether it's optimally navigating any buffet, identifying and eliminating problems with Buffepticons, (bad buffeters) organizing your plate to maximum efficiency, and dozens of other topics. Please feel free to suggest some of your own. Let's face it, the buffet's the limit. The key is to unlock The Art of Buffet.